Be Still

 107 days have passed since my entire world changed forever. 108 days ago if you had asked me what I would do if someone I loved died, I would have told you that I didn't know, that I would fall apart, and that I would probably never get out of bed again. It has taken me 107 days to be able to write this.

On September 19th,2012 my  seventeen year old brother Benjamin was riding his motorcycle on his way to work when he was struck and killed by a car. I will probably always remember everything about that day. What I was wearing when I got the call, how I sunk to my knees by my bedroom closet door not believing. How I couldn't believe just minutes ago I was laughing and the biggest problem that day was what to make for dinner. How I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and how very very numb I felt. But the worst part of it all was that we didn't know if he was still alive or not.

The hours of waiting, of not telling our little sisters until we knew for sure. Sitting in my parents house full of strangers, numb. Holding my husband's hand. Praying more than I had ever prayed in my life. Waiting for my father's phone call to tell us what to do. That drive to Baltimore, to the hospital was so long.  I knew. I knew it wasn't going to be good. Sometimes, you just know but until you hear it come out of someone else's mouth you don't believe it. You just want to hold on to the hope that everything will go back to normal. Yet the whole entire way there, I felt God saying in my heart " Be Still. Be still and know I am God". Funny how the Word you have hidden in your heart when you are a child rises up to comfort and calm you. It doesn't prepare you for your grim gray faced parents, your father's weak choking voice telling you impossible unbelievable news. The grief that overtakes you, the meaningless screams and the pain that wracks your whole body. Watching your brother breathe shallowly through a machine while death waits on the sidelines. Yet God is good. Verses, hymns and Psalms come out of nowhere and you sing praises holding your brother's hand with your family. Songs we used to play and sing side by side on the piano laughing, horribly out of tune. You know you'll never hear his perfect harmonies on this earth again.

Walking out of that hospital after the doctor's pronounced him legally dead. Still holding my husband's hand, the world seemed different. Cold and awful. Yet, somewhere in that world, other sick and dying people were being given a second chance because of my brother. He was an organ donor. You can see his story HERE in a video made by our sister. How like Ben, to still be giving and loving even in the wake of his death.                                    Of all the pulpits from which human voices is ever sent forth..there is none from which it reaches so far as from the grave.

It is my family's prayer that Benny's death will not go in vain. That others would hear his story and come to find salvation.

I have found so much comfort in prayer and reading the Bible. Just reading. God truly can comfort and heal. I don't really know how I would have gotten through the last 107 days alone. But by God's grace I have gotten up every day, gone to work, came home, made dinner, held my husband's hand. My God is mighty to save. To heal. To help me. I'm not saying there aren't days when the loss of my favorite, my Ben aren't some of the worse days I've ever had, there are days when I'm bitter and angry at everything around me. But when I go to bed at night, when I'm praying, asking for forgiveness and help God gives me such a peace, joy even knowing that SOME DAY  I WILL see my brother again. Someday we will stand with a whole host and sings praises together again.

I can't wait until that day.